That Which I Have Lost

I'm back from the weekend retreat thing, and that went okay, but I'll right more about that some other day, right now I am SO FUCKING PISSED.

I'm talking to my sister's ex-fiance on instant messanger right now, since he and I go to some meetings together, and he just sent me this IM:

Friend: so [sister's name] knows bout AA, huh?
Me: errr no. at least, I haven't told her. Did she say something to you about it?
Friend: she said she squeezed it out of your mom

I think it's Day 40?  Seems right.

I think this will be my last post before I go away for my weekend "retreat," as I'm calling it.  I'll be getting there around 5-ish tomorrow after work and I get to leave at 5:30 Sunday evening.  Apparently during the weekend they will diagnose whether I am a social drinker or an alcoholic (duh), have 20 hours of group and cognitive counseling, and take nearly $300 from me. Oy. 

Fortunately, I got a call back from a store today about a part-time job.  I'm hoping I can work weekends and maybe one or two nights during the week to help keep me distracted from drinking, and to help pay off my wedding and my court fees. 

I hope I don't have a roommate - with as much of an insomniac as I already am, I reallllly don't think having a stranger in the same room will help.  Or with all my moving around, I don't think they'd appreciate it either.

It's nearly 10 PM and I still have to pack for it.  And dry my hair.  Yay procrastination.

Good luck to everyone this weekend. Be strong.

Got my court date today - October 6.  It's a much longer wait than when I got my first DUI (it was in mid-August and I had my court date mid-October).  In a way, this is going to work out great though, so I have more time to pay off my lawyer and potentially not have to borrow any money from my parents to do so, and gives me more time to attend meetings and alcohol education classes in hopes that the judge lessens my punishment - at the very least, lets me stay out of jail or long-term rehab.

I've been doing very well with sobriety though.  The only time I have urges to drink are when I'm out for dinner, or in a social situation where people are drinking - especially those where my fiance and parents aren't around to know whether or not I've had a drink.  There haven't been many instances of that happening, but there have been a few that weren't avoidable. 

I still haven't told anybody else yet, aside from my sister's former fiance, who is also in AA. He was at the meeting I went to last week to get my 30 day chip.  I was going to go to that meeting tonight, but this past weekend I had my cousin's graduation party as well as my sister's baby shower, and I've just been EXHAUSTED.  I'm going to one tomorrow night though with one of the girls I met at the meeting last week, so that should be good. 

I still need to get a sponsor - I keep hoping that since people know I'm new, one of them will ask me if they can be my sponsor.  I'm still not very good at asking for help, especially when I don't know how far along they are in their sobriety, so I haven't been able to speak up yet and ask anyone else.   I don't want to go too much longer without one though.  Hopefully in the next few weeks.

This weekend I have my weekend intervention/rehab thing.  I'm going to leave work an hour early I think, so I can get there on time Friday, and I'll be there until Sunday night.  They only have a pay phone, so I'll be going nearly two days with only talking to Chris for a few minutes.  We haven't done that since we first started dating - even when we're away from each other, we talk on the phone ever few hours just to say hi - and definitely before we go to sleep to say goodnight.  This is going to be rough.

I've been very bad about updating here and keeping track of those of you on my friends list, and I apologize for that.   With the wedding and upcoming court things, as well as my sister's baby shower this weekend, I've been a little distracted.

But I wanted to come here and post my excitement about reaching 30 days sober =) I don't think I've managed to do that in erm... well, since I started drinking.  I think 2 weeks may have been my max before. 

I think I'll go to a meeting tonight just so I can get my little chip thing. 

I just called and registered myself for the weekend program - The one provided this weekend is already full (which I'm upset about because I would have liked to get it over with, and the next available one is not until July 25.  But, at least it is set up, and apparently you can be a part of their alcohol education course once the weekend is over, and it is cheaper than many of the others (though you do have to attend longer), so I think I'll just progress from there.  I think it's mandatory, so I may not have a choice.

I started looking in to new car insurance last night, and that is just even more depressing.  I need to get a second job to cover all my expenses, but with wedding planning, I don't know how I'm going to handle it all.  I know, as with my recovery, I need to take this one day at a time, but when everything seems to fall on my at once, it makes it a bit difficult.

Anybody know of any rich, eccentric people who want to help out a well-intentioned, struggling bride- to-be?

I've been horrible about writing lately -- I've got wedding planning on the brain, and not much else.  I have had a few thoughts and urges to drink at times, especially when I'm not around Chris or my parents because I just think, "Oh, it'll be okay, no one will know," but I've been able to quickly dismiss those thoughts. 

I do feel bad about the fact that i have not been going to AA meetings at all however.  I just feel so exhausted in the evenings when I get home from work, and during the weekends, I want to be lazy as much as I can.  Though I need to start going, even if I don't feel as thought I need it for support, because I need it to look good for when I have my court hearing.

I just wish this could all pass so I could focus on the good parts of my life. 

I need to register for the alcohol courses and the weekend rehab also.  I should do those this week.

I  got engaged!  That was my fun news from the trip, and pretty much everything else doesn't seem important.

Especially now that I've begun to tell friends and a bunch have already decided they want to take me out and get me hammered to celebrate.

I'm not ready to admit to everyone yet what's going on, so avoiding such things is going to be interesting...

The trip went well. I was good.  I have lots to update about, but I also have a meeting in 5 minutes, so it will have to wait. Just wanted to give you all a quick update though.

Just a short message because I am home and Chris has a tendency to look over my shoulder at what is on my computer screen when he walks by. 

Things at the DMV went fairly well. I definitely got the vibe that I was being judged as I had to explain the reason why I needed to get the non-driver ID card, but I was able to get it, and if I do say so myself, the picture on this is about ten times better than the one on my license.

I am getting so anxious and excited about leaving tomorrow morning - as long as the weather cooperates, it should be a great trip!  The only thing I'm a little worried about is that this will be my first vacation not drinking.  In the past, it was something I kind of centered my evenings around, since it's my time to relax and be away from my normal life.  I know it'll help that Chris will be with me the entire time, but I'm sure the urge will be there and be strong.

I won't be around to write/comment to any of you the next few days, but you'll all be in my thoughts, and I hope you remain strong throughout your weekends as well.

I've been having reoccuring dreams in which I drink/get drunk, and when I wake up in the morning I'm really upset with myself because I think I've relapsed. I don't know if this is a good or bad sign.

So, yesterday was a fairly busy day.  I called sick out of work so that I could make it to the DMV and to my lawyer without being too pressed for time.

I got to the DMV later than I would have liked, and wound up waiting about an hour and a half to see someone.  I had brought all my paperwork to get a Non-Driver ID Card, since I would need it to get on the plane this Saturday.  Unfortunately, where I live has some STUPID rule that unless you are turning in an expired card, they have to MAIL the ID card to you.  I explained my situation to the person, and she said that if I had a printout of my flight itinerary, that would be another reason they could bypass mailing it to me and give me the ID card right then.  This did not help me at the moment, however, since the only printer I have regular access to was at my job.  I made plans with my boss today to leave work early tomorrow, so I could get things ready for my trip, and I'm crossing my fingers that either the same woman is working, or that whoever I wind up seeing tomorrow will provide me the same service.  If not, I'm fucked.

I had a little bit of time before meeting my lawyer, so I decided instead of driving back to my apartment, I'd keep my mind off things by driving up to my parents house for a bit since they are a short drive to the lawyer.  My sister and I got my mother WiiFit for Mother's Day, so I figured this would give me a chance to try it out.  And I did, and it's AWESOME.  Unfortunately, I am about to become a poor woman, so I will have to live vicariously through my mother until either my birthday or Christmas when I can cross my fingers someone will get it for me.

Meeting with the lawyer went well - she said that if I write down information about all the meetings I go to, start taking these alcohol education classes, and enroll in this Weekend Lockdown Intervention program (which I'm hoping she means is only for one weekend) and can probably avoid a 28 day rehab program and/or jail time.  I'll also have to either lose my license for 90 days, or have the Interlock/Breathalyzer installed in my car for one year.  I think I'll opt for the 90 days since you have to pay to have the Interlock installed, as well as for maintenance once a month.  I already  have to pay the lawyer $2500 before my trial date, which will probably be in around 2 months.  I'm going to work with my parents and have them loan me some of the money, since there is no possible WAY I can afford that on my salary.  Even with my parents assisting me, I'll still be living from paycheck to paycheck probably for the next year or so. 

I started looking at places to get a part-time job, just so I don't drive myself crazy worrying that I won't be able to make rent, or pay for electricity.  I got word today that I am receiving a small raise at my current job, but there's no way it will be enough.